MADNESS
by Lazy Bum
Summary: Ron wants to get fat and Harry finds out some AMAZING news
1. The Begining

This is my first. PLEASE review (make it good - or else)  
  
--Hogwarts - Gryfindor common room-  
  
--Ron is sitting in a corner looking upset--  
  
Ron: I am upset  
  
Harry: Well duh the author just told us  
  
Ron: You had to be told!!!???  
  
Harry: I just find it normal; you're always upset or angry with someone. Is it Neville's turn to get moaned at?  
  
Ron: Nope, I changed my schedule - it's me.  
  
Harry: ??? .. Oh well whats rong?  
  
Ron: Your last sentence, but. I want to get fat  
  
Harry: Why???  
  
Ron: I've tried everything I must have eaten a hundred feasts this year but I haven't put on weight at all. I never exercise and all day I just moap about doing nothing. I think I'm going to go insane  
  
Harry: Try 'Ask Hermione' - she knows everything  
  
Ron: Where's a phone?  
  
--Harry pulls a mobile phone out of his pocket and dials a number-  
  
Ask Hermione: Hello, call charged at the national rate, calls may be recorded, how may 'Ask Hermione' help. If you have a broom stuck up your rear end because it looked so LONG and HARD press 1 (remember your call may be recorded) if the flu-  
  
--Readers conjure up bad mental images--  
  
--Snape rushes through the portrait of the fat lady and wearing a dress--  
  
Snape: Harry, Dumbledore summoned me to bring you to him- he has some news which might change your life!  
  
Ask Hermione: If you have a strange man standing in front of you who is wearing a dress and says he has news that might change your life, press 4 (calls may be recorded)  
  
--Ron is about to press 4 when harry knocks the phone out of his hands-  
  
Harry: I'll come with you, but only if you show me those SEXY LEGS again!!  
  
Snape: Oh yeah come with me you HUNKY BOY!!  
  
Ask Hermione: If your best friend has just walked away saying that a teacher is SEXY press 9 (calls may be recorded)  
  
--Ron Does-  
  
-- Outside Dumbledore's office -  
  
Snape: Fruity tooty flavour short and fat bootlaces  
  
--Readers conjure up more horrible mental images-  
  
--The gargoyle splits in half and Harry and Snape go up tickling each other. Harry is told to wait outside-  
  
--Dumbledore is also wearing a dress-  
  
Snape: He's outside  
  
Dumbledore: Hey - your make-up is smudged - you fell for him didn't you?!  
  
Snape: It's so mean - yet so true.you know everything don't you?  
  
Dumbledore: It's because I'm a magic man!!-Pervert  
  
Snape: Oh thanks old guy  
  
--Harry comes in and snape leaves-  
  
Dumbledore: I have some news that may change your life  
  
Harry: Stop with the 'change my life thing' and get on with it  
  
Dumbledore; Well....  
  
That's all for this chapter REVIEW THIS!!!  
  
The end wasn't very funny, but more in the next chapter 


	2. What Happened

Remember to REVIEW!!!  
  
--Dumbledor's Office-  
  
Dumbledor: I have some important news for you harry. It is about when voldermort attacked your parents.  
  
Harry: Why couldn't you have told me before?  
  
Dumbledor: I only have to tell you something when it is vital to the plot. The plot in this fic is mostly about me telling you about it, therefor I think I need to tell you.  
  
Harry: Oh, now it makes SOOOO much sense  
  
Dumbledor: The night your parents died, they were having a Halloween party. I was there, dressed as ... Zeus.  
  
Harry: Why Zeus???  
  
Dumbledor: I will have to tell you a secret, harry... I am the Plot Master. I was only created to give you information and do things when it is vital to the plot. My costume gave you that scar, harry.  
  
Harry: Now all the mysteries of the world are solved!!!  
  
Dumbledor: ???  
  
Harry: You've said so much, I felt left out.  
  
Dumbledor: Anyway, everyone was drunk except me, because I am very old and boring and I don't stand for that nonsense. But then a man came through the door, he took off his hood and ..  
  
--Dumbledor's dream-  
  
Voldermort: I am You-Know-Who!  
  
Everyone: It's You-Know-Who!!!  
  
Voldermort: Can I speak? Because I'm sure I just said that, slow people!!  
  
Everyone: We were just trying to emphasise the point, and make it scary, in a true film-like kind of way. Don't blame us!  
  
Voldermort: Any way, I have come to kill Lily and James Potter!!!! MA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA  
  
Someone: Shut up  
  
Voldermort: I also have to kill Someone!!  
  
Another Someone; Not if I stop you!!!  
  
Voldermort: I will kill you first Another Someone!!! AVDERASWERDIEDIEDIE!!!  
  
--Another Someone falls down dead-  
  
A know it all, can't stop opening my mouth kind of Voice: What kind of a curse is that?  
  
Voldermort: I made it up, and I am very proud of it. Don't offend me or I will... rape you!!  
  
--The know it, all can't stop opening my mouth kind of voice shuts up for good-  
  
Everyone: Yay!!  
  
Voldermort: ...  
  
Everyone: Boo. Wah. Bad.  
  
Voldermort: .!!  
  
Everyone: Erm, Er Down with the evil guy!!  
  
--Voldermort smiles-  
  
Everyone: Few!  
  
--After a while of killing everyone because everyone is wearing fancy-dress Voldermort is left with lily, James, Voldermort and harry (who is only a few months old)-  
  
--Voldermort turns to lily-  
  
Voldermort: Now your time to die!  
  
James: I'll save you. I know I'll use my love. In these stories, love always defeats evil. (even though it should be hate).Go LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
--James glows pink-  
  
Loveman: Wait! The power inside me made me weak, because being good and loving means I should hurt anyone (I could just dive in front of the magic, but I would die! No..) I'll run away.  
  
Loveman: Darling, I would, but I'm a pussy hole.. RRRUUUUNNNAAWWWAAYY!!!!  
  
--Voldermort kills James then lily then turns to harry---  
  
--Dumbledor dives in front of the curse, but because he is old and boring he doesn't manage to dive right in front of the blast, but his lightning shaped staff gets in the way. The staff gets frazzled and only the tiny metal frame is left. It falls from the air and hits Harry's forehead. The tiny frame makes a large scar on his forehead-  
  
--Voldermort dissapears--  
  
--Dumbledoors Office-  
  
Dumbledor: Now you can call me your hero!!  
  
Harry: Yeah, but why will it change my life  
  
Dumbledor: Because you can use the pussy hole in side you!  
  
Harry: Oh goody, I'll use it now,  
  
--Harry glows pink-  
  
Harry: Lets do it in your room, without snape!!!  
  
Dumbledor: Woo HOO!!!!!  
  
------------- Wasn't that great??!! If yes REVIEW!!!!!!! 


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